


heartbeat

by poketa



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-23 08:43:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23275384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poketa/pseuds/poketa
Summary: Quinn has a heart and Rachel knows it.It seems like she is just always pushing Quinn to see that heart and beyond the cold icy exterior that the blonde seems to protect herself with.Rachel just wants to see her.
Relationships: Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63





	heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> just a little something because I haven't posted in a few days. title and lyrics from 'hearbeat' by the fray just because i can, it fits and i love that song.

* * *

_Oh you gotta fire and it's burnin' in the rain  
Thought that it went out, but it's burnin' just the same _

* * *

"I hate you" Rachel comments idly, keeping her gaze onto the tiles in front of her, head bowed, if she concentrated enough her pulse would calm down "just so _you_ know"

"Oh, _Berry_ , you break my heart" Quinn quips back with a laugh that sounds mocking onto Rachel's ears and she can't help but throw some words back, she just doesn't want Quinn to always win their arguments just like that.

Maybe they are just arguing about songs and solos for Sectionals but it feels way more personal than this.

"Please, as if you owned one" she says without thinking.

And Rachel suddenly knows that she stepped a little too far when the silence stretches and there aren't any oncoming insults her way. 

The classroom starts to feel too small, like all the air is gone.

"Sorry - I didn't - that was - " her words keep stepping onto each other and Rachel swallows her nerves, glancing quickly beside herself to the blonde who has an unreadable face but her white knuckles and grip onto the chair say just enough to the singer who closes her mouth. 

The silence stretched again and Rachel licks her dry lips, tugging her skirt with her fingertips, looking down again at the white tiles.

"I don't know why I keep doing this to myself," she quickly turns her head and stares at Quinn, whose facial expressions still keeps her emotions at bay and Rachel wishes she could see beyond the mask the blonde always wore. Her voice is strained but calm and Rachel closes her eyes as Quinn speaks again "As much as you say that everything is fine between us - that you forgive me for what I did to you, Rachel - It's pretty obvious that you _don't_ " Quinn then out a long sigh that makes Rachel open her eyes again and look at her again but their little quiet time is cut short as the rest of the club enters the room and their conversation ends there.

“I didn't mean to - “ Rachel tries to start again but the addition of their fellow Glee members make her too aware of the uncomfortable weight of having this conversation, right here, with all them to witness. 

She bites her lip instead and nods in defeat.

Mr. Schue starts to talk about oncoming competitions and meanwhile Rachel would love to intercede with a few suggestions about their repertoire, she can't help but feel deeply peeved by her own words and her inability to close her mouth when talking to Quinn earlier.

“Rachel” someone calls her name and she snaps her head up to see all the club expectantly watching her with different expressions - well, almost all of them - Quinn is perfectly happy looking anywhere else and it pains her to note that she wants Quinn to look back at her “Would you care to step in and show what you have for today's assignment?” Mr. Schue says with a concerned frown as she gazes back at him with uncertainty. 

“I rather - leave it to Kurt, Mr. Schue” Rachel replies with a fake smile that challenges her best acting jobs as she bows to the boy, who is observing her with both surprise but satisfaction “he's done such a great job with his arrangement that it deserves to open this week assignment”

“Thank you?” Kurt speaks as everyone looks at her with different faces that show disbelief, astoundment, suspiciousness as the others just smile at her with confusion but Quinn never turns to look at her and she swallows in defeat.

“My, my, Berry finally understood the “we” in winners” Santana comments from the round behind her and Rachel is so tempted to bite back something but now really isn't the time for that and she just smiles again and watches as Kurt steps to the front of the room and starts to sing.

* * *

The hour passes quickly as she falls deep in thought about her words and the dismissing of Mr. Schue is the only thing that makes her realize she should seize the moment and apologize to Quinn before it's too late.

“Quinn - _wait_ ” 

She steps quickly to catch up to the storming blonde that walked out of the classroom almost the very second after Glee ended, her legs may be shorter but she is anything but determined and Rachel catches up to her after a row of lockers.

“Leave me alone” Quinn grits with a poker face that hides any emotion behind it, it's a fort of comfort for her and Rachel knows it ought to be cold in there.

“For once, just - just listen to me, please?” Rachel begs as Quinn turns around and stops and both of them almost collide in her haste but stop and stand there, watching the other in silence “Five minutes” Rachel says, standing as tall as she can but Quinn is still taller than her and looking up at Quinn shouldn't be this literal but she does, always has been doing it.

“Alright” Quinn concedes with a sigh, she looks to both sides of the hallway and then says “Not here” she nods to the bathroom door and Rachel walks inside with a head swimming with words and paragraphs and explanations but the moment they enter the facilities, she realizes she has to speak, suddenly how to start this conversation seems much harder “Well?” Quinn pushes but is gentle, still, her tone is hard.

Looking deeply into her eyes, Rachel starts.

“Look, Quinn - the past two years have been the hardest of our lives” she explains and Quinn scoffs at the words and looks away, Rachel tries to explain “Although my struggles can't be compared to the ones you faced after the conception of Beth” she says gently, watching a little of moisture gather at the eyes of the blonde “I got my fair share of tragic, after all - meeting Shelby made me lose the axis of my world” there is a little of something swimming in those green eyes and Rachel takes it when Quinn turns to look back at her again “When I met my biological mother, everything I never knew I wanted was there at the reach of my hands” she continues with controlled breathing, Rachel can't cry now, she got five minutes and she'll use them wisely “but then she choose to not give it to me”

“What does that have to do with me?” Quinn interrupts with her crossed arms and defiant look but behind that, Rachel sees questions that Quinn would never voice out loud. 

She doesn't blame her.

“When my own biological mother chose to not meet me in the middle but instead adopt your daughter and start over” Rachel says and the words fall like rocks on metal, loud, noisy, it causes a chaos and suddenly it's not a bathroom but a confessional and both of them are opening in a godless land of truths “I couldn't help but think that maybe you were right”

Quinn's expression morphs and there is horror in her lovely features that proves Rachel's earlier words absolutely wrong. Quinn Fabray has a living beating heart, she just chooses to keep it hidden. 

“Right about what?” she asks.

Her tone is cautious.

“ _Everything_ ” Rachel replies simply “Being undesirable, a mistake, someone so utterly unlovable that even her own biological mother couldn't fathom the idea of loving and had to give her up” The pain across the features of the girl in front of her is what finally let her tears free and Rachel chuckles as she dries her tears with the sleeve of her sweater while repeating the words she heard a few times falling from the mouth of the cheerleader herself “As much as I want to forgive you, Quinn, I'm not sure I can do it just yet” she finalizes with a simple shrug.

As silence takes over the moment, Rachel takes the window of opportunity to breathe and close her eyes, turning to the side and taking a hold of the sink with both hands.

She needs to ground herself.

“ _Rachel_ ” 

Turning around, she finds the walls down, the field open and a heart in plain view in those green eyes. 

It's _mesmerizing_.

Quinn explains “All those things I said were pure bullshit falling from the mouth of an insecure little girl” her voice lacks her usual harshness but instead shows a inner turmoil that seems to rip Quinn open as her eyes shine with _something_ “the same insecure girl that is standing right here and saying that Shelby gave up someone who turned out to be pretty amazing" 

Quinn shakes her head and turns to the mirror, she puts her weight on the sink and seems like she is too grounding herself at this very particular moment.

Rachel feels another piece fall into the puzzle that is Quinn Fabray.

"As a mother, I can understand some of her actions" Quinn confesses and Rachel just listens, because this moment feels too important to interrupt. Quinn chuckles and it sounds more bitter than funny "But believe me, if Beth ever showed up at my door, sixteen years from now - I don't think I would ever let her go" 

Rachel nods as Quinn glances up from the mirror and it feels like they just understand each other at this moment.

Both are just different sides from the same coin and it's both scary and enticing to recognize the connection.

Rachel moves her hand slowly and touches with the tips of her fingers Quinn's right hand, the one laying on the cold marble of the sink.

"I know I haven't said this outloud to you" Rachel confesses and she keeps her eyes on their hands, it's the most she can take right now "But Quinn, you were so brave for bringing that little girl into this world and offer her a chance" her words blurs with tears and before she knows it, she is gently sobbing.

Almost instantly, strong arms move to engulf her and Rachel just lets herself sob into the pale neck that smells like Channel and just _Quinn._

"It's alright _, Rachel_ " The blonde whispers against the crown of her head and Rachel moves her arms to embrace the strong body against her. Being comforted by Quinn can just compare to being lulled to sleep as a baby and Rachel sniffs as Quinn rocks her gently from side to side.

Rachel can hear that beating heart wildly running underneath all the Cheerio uniform and hardness and understands something about herself.

Quinn has a heart and Rachel knows it.

It seems like she is just always pushing Quinn to see that heart and beyond the cold icy exterior that the blonde seems to protect herself with.

Rachel just wants to see _her._

"Better?" Quinn's tone is gentle, soft, it's honey and her hands that run up and down Rachel's back feel like anchors to a reality that only Rachel has the privilege to experience.

And she nods, because as much as she likes to be in those arms, sniffing into that gorgeous neck and being calmed by this gorgeous angel of angst.

Rachel doesn't want to push herself to delusion.

"I'm still very sorry for what I said" she declares as she moves away from those warm whispers and caresses. 

The blonde shrugs "To be fair, I've said worse" and her grin shows up but it's an act if Rachel has ever seen one. 

But she let it slip, for now - the moment is already heavy enough.

"Come on - we have French" Quinn says as she turns back to the mirror and tugs on her ponytail and checks her face for any detail.

They way she can slip back into her mask mesmerizes Rachel - Quinn is a better actress than her.

Rachel glances once at herself over the mirror and winces "Yeah, just go - I'll need a few to…" she makes a movement like fixing her face and Quinn just nods, before sending one glance back at her and walking out of the bathroom.

The silence takes over the still place and Rachel puts a hand to her own chest.

Her own heart beats quickly and as she thinks about Quinn's words and careful embrace, it seems like it starts to race to win a race it just started.

* * *

_I know the memories rushing into mind_   
_I want to kiss your scars tonight_   
_I'm laying here,_   
_'Cause you've gotta try, you've gotta let me in, let me in_   
  


* * *

**Author's Note:**

> did you like it?


End file.
